It is politically incorrect to call someone who works in your home a maid. The right name is domestic servant, apparently.
Not to be confused with the term public servant, which word is a matter of debate.
I don’t know why you would want to be known as a servant, because no man should be anyone’s servant. That sounds too much like slave.
Domestic servant (definition) : One is privately employed to perform domestic services.
The ‘service’ part is worrying, too, and sounds a little too sexual to me. Sexually, I suppose, there is that historical connotation of the master of the house being serviced by the help. It was certainly expected of a maid, at one stage, to provide ‘services’ to her employer, and if she refused she would not have employment for very long.
These days, them being modern and all, domestic servants (and everyone else, for that matter) have job descriptions and employment contracts.
No actual skills are required for entry (there’s the sexual connotation again) into this occupation. Skills are learned on the job, and the job is varied, depending on the employer. A list of the possible skills that are learnt or acquired on the job are as follows:
1. Cleaning techniques
It is required that a domestic servant learn how to clean properly. Sweeping things under the carpet, per se, is not an example of good cleaning practices. If you work for the mafia, or some such organisation, it is imperative that you clear everything away before the police get there. Time limits is one of the constraints in this part of the job.
2. Proper use of cleaning equipment.
Modern vacuum cleaners are very efficient, but must be emptied regularly, otherwise their efficiency may be lost, especially if they blow up.
Make sure that the owner is not watching the superbowl while you are vacuuming. Do not tell him to switch off the television because it disturbs your vacuuming time.
Do not vacuum the cat. They have nails.
Do not vacuum the dog. They have teeth.
Do not leave the puff adders cage open while you vacuum his cage.
3. Proper use of cleaning chemicals.
You may have to replenish supplies, such as bathroom items. Remember that, even though you do not like your employer touching your bottom, you should not replace his shampoo with drain cleaner.
You may have to wax the floors at times. Do not use so much that the living room or hall becomes an ice rink. An broken employer cannot pay you.
Do not attempt to clean the antique furniture with an ammonia based product.
Do not attempt to clean the fireplace with one of your employer’s toothbrushes.
4. Empty wastebaskets and ashtrays.
It spoils the effect of a clean kitchen or lounge if the wastebaskets are emptied regularly on a three monthly basis. They need emptying once a week, at least.
Ash does not make a good pool cleaner, whatever you have been told. It cannot be used on African violets or fed to the Venus flytrap.
5. Wash the car.
The boss will like his vehicle spotless, unless he has an off-road SUV or some such (those are supposed to look used and dirty). Do not use battery acid on his tyres or paint work, because it tends to destroy those things.
You cannot use the same rag to dry the car, as you used to clean the brake residue from the wheels. Remember to spread the dirt evenly if you are taking short cuts, because it looks really bad if it is left in spots here and there.
Do not clean the leather interior with a dish rag.
6. Wash clothes.
Sort the darks from the whites, and the whites from the colours. It does not do the bosses reputation any good at all to be seen with a bright pink shirt, unless he likes that sort of thing of course. Colours will run and when he sees it, you will have to, too.
7. Iron the clothes.
Do not leave iron marks on the clothing. Eastenders will still be there (ten years after you have finished ironing – with very little story-line change).
8. Do the children’s homework for them.
If you can read and write. Otherwise, let them do it.
9. Do not watch television while you are working.
Unless there is a television in every room, and you are sure that the employer will not catch you. Do not leave the porn channel on when you leave the room, otherwise the wife of your employer will get suspicious and question you or the boss about it.
10. Do not expect a pay raise.
You don’t deserve it, because you are replaceable. Actually you do deserve it, but don’t tell anybody, because they think you are a moron and won’t employ you any more.
Lastly, remember that you run the household, whatever anyone thinks.
David Owen Nunes
David is many faceted, fascinating, fastidious, fair, fabulous and the other F word. He works in the Pensions Industry, plays occasional golf, and dreams of being able to write full time.
