The problem I have with celebrity diets is that most of these stars started out all pretty and thin, with a six-pack or a six-inch waist – and now, they are trying to sell you some diet. They are endorsing a diet which you know is attached to a million-dollar paypacket for them.
But what does that matter? You still want to read all about it, because they are celebs.
It’s like those celebs who tell you how much their butt firmed up by using a stupid piece of exercise equipment that consists of two pieces of plastic and one screw. You know the one I’m talking about. You put it between your legs and you squeeze until that vein in your forehead looks the size of a string bean.
It’s like those celebs who don’t have a friggin six-pack, they have an eight pack; and they have biceps the size of my gluteus maximus. And then they try and sell you this piece of elastic band that you stick on a door handle and pull, until either the elastic band snaps or something in your hip snaps.
My favorite is that DVD that makes you hip-hop until your hip pops, until your sweat stains your living room rug, and you look like a spastic martian doing the macarena.
(I am to dance what an elephant is to jumping – a bit flat-footed).
The guys who present “hip-hop until you hip pops” do that stuff for forty-five minutes and look like they’ve just walked from the sofa to the remote control.
But enough about exercising. It’s making me kinda breathless. What I really was trying to say was that these celebrities (usually) don’t really believe what they are advertising. They get paid to say those things, and the script is written for them. And they usually had the body to begin with, and now they are trying to tell you that it arrived unexpectedly using that amazing new piece of technology or pill or diet or exercise regime or whatever.
That said, there are celebs who look absolutely amazing and they never seem to age or anything. The problem is that plastic surgery is so easy these days, and it does make you look like a plastic parakeet at times.
I really want to look like Channing Tatum, but I probably look more like his mate Jonah Hill in that movie about jumping. I also want to jump from buildings and cliffs like Tom Cruise, but I would probably hurt myself jumping off the couch.
David Owen Nunes
David is many faceted, fascinating, fastidious, fair, fabulous and the other F word. He works in the Pensions Industry, plays occasional golf, and dreams of being able to write full time.
